A Glimpse of the AirPort

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India in kinda country where flying in plane is still called a luxury & status symbol. The reasons is not just money affordability, there’s something else too. There’s a long psychological explanation for it. You see, population of the country is increasing day by day, so there’s large possibility that there would few people able to fly high. This ultimately makes those people in high position who’re flying regularly or have traveled even once. Anyways, I’ll not bore you with detail but would try to piss you off with my boring observations during trip Bombay, oops Mumbai. (I hope I’ve not hurt anyone by using term ‘BOMBAY’ & if anybody is hurt with it than.. screw you!!!)

Before The Journey

As soon as you reach the airport, you’ll see people wandering around. Some looking for boarding pass windows, some seeing off their buddies, some standing in queue, some looking for which chick is better around (damn!! No, it’s not about me) & rest fighting with either boarding pass counter or with security machos. Only chance of 4^th category people getting success is in Bombay. The last category people are fighting for no reason. Their only concern is to get attention. I saw 1 during my trip. God, please pity on him.

As soon as I got onto plane the first I look for is, no … not the chick this time….. I look for which seat I’ve occupied. Walking to the economy class slowly, I stare at each & every face of ppl sitting in business class. The sole reason is to see if they are not staring back at me. This is the time when psychology mentioned in first paragraph works in reverse. The pride of riding in plane gets reduced by the number of people staring back at economy class. Anyways, other thing that is important if you’re flying for more than 2 hours. Air-HotTaste, I mean Hostess.

In Between

In between the flight, there are number of things to notice. Let’s start with your luck. The only time I got lucky on plane was when my seat got upgraded to Business class from Economy class. J Other than that bullshittt!!! My luck always tries to screw me 1^st with seat’s location & than with the air-hostess on my side. The grass is always greener on other side. L

Other thing to notice is revolution in people’s hand. Years ago they use to hold phone on airport to show-off. Than came the laptop. (Just like me, trying to impress this girl seating my right [It works!!! ;) ]. That’s not the end; on this trip I saw 2 kids with iPad & one with Galaxy tab. Revolution!!!

As soon as you get on the plane, you see at least 10 people who’re still busy saying good buy or whatever. The specialty of at least 3 out of those 10, is that they don’t put-off the phone even when the flight is about to depart. I really want to hear what exactly they talk about, specially that girl who kept talking till we kissed the air (BTW, we means all passenger not me & her!!! ). Her giggling & chit-chat was pissing me off!!

During The Journey

Just like my last tweet, “I found the solution of survival, if all the girls in the world die; I can spend rest of the life eating”. So second thing I wait for after air-hostess is FOOD. It’s a lollipop that keeps me walking up till late on plane. Talking on the same, I had my worst experience ever in flight. During this trip from vadodara to Mumbai, I was served, … any guesses… ?? Let’s just end the suspense. FREAKING DAIRY MIILK (that too worth 5 rupees). Jet airways, never expected from you. L

The other thing I observed every time is those jerks that keeps pinching the air-hostess for like a .. Million times. I guess their wife kicks their nuts so hard that they take revenge of it with this air-hostess.

Just after 5 min,

“Can you get Indian Express?”

Just another 5 min,(just after turning 2-3 pages in IE)

“Can I get some water?”

After 2 min,

“Is flight late today?”

“Can I get suger free tea?” (tara bape koi divas ghare pidhi chhe???)

“When are you serving drinks?”

“Can I get blanket”

..

“SHUT THE FUCK UP”, I feel like shouting to these rascals.

The last thing I do for time-pass is reading the faces for their fake attitude. It’s fun, you should try sometimes. Below are the identified categories.

• Desi (it’s easy to spot them, when they open their lunch/dinner box)
• Trying to be V-Desi (although they belong to first category)
• V-Desi (showing off as soon as they see above first categories.

Don’t judge me in which category, I fall in ;)

Thanks Honey!!

Just like a bike is nothing without one wheel, I’m senseless (… wat do you mean I’m always senseless??) without this special person. This person, I narrate as my best half, my nigga’ friend, my bro & sometimes (ya only sometimes) as my friend. Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome one & only, the original piece of an art, Bhakti!! On this special occasion of her b’day, I would like to throw (not literally) some Thankful notes for her.

Honey, I would love to thanks you for,

• ·         For being my girl-friend when no other (beautiful) girl dalling ghaschara for me,
• ·         For sneaking from your home & meeting me at nadiyad,
• ·         For coming back for me,
• ·         For making me realize how ‘beautiful’ falling in love is,
• ·         For making stupid mistake of marring me,
• ·         For writing those love letters for me,
• ·         For making me khulla sandh in navratri all 9 nights,
• ·         For b’day surprises,
• ·         For laughing like baby on my krakalaka jokes,
• ·         For choosing my clothes,
• ·         For being my money manager,
• ·         For cooking awesome breakfast, lunch, dinner,
• ·         For choosing food at restaurant,
• ·         For applying oil on my head,
• ·         For testing my patience & making me strong in it,
• ·         For giving up after our little nok-jok, :D
• ·         Thanks for watching TV-soaps in my absence,
• ·         For being the reason to come early to home from office,
• ·         For not over shopping with debit card I gave you,
• ·         For dinner you cook for my friends & family,
• ·         For giving me my space,
• ·         For inspiring me to stay in V - shape,
• ·         For sleeping with your mouth open,
• ·         For washing my underwear,
• ·         For watching HIMYM, Two & Half Men, SouthPark, Friends & other shows with me,
• ·         For correcting my English & doing proof reading for my blog,
• ·         For allowing me to flirt with other girls ;),
• ·         For over kisses & love,
• ·         For still surviving with me,

·         …

Google blog service may throw ‘out of memory exception’ if I’ll keep listing out these thanks, so I would rest my fingers here. It’s been a fantastic day, month & year with you. For me every day is your b’day, princess ;)

Blow me, not horn…

The way I criticize Indian public, someone would think the blog writer is freaking NRI. But let’s accept this, one or the other way, you’ll come across some psychos who’ll force you to use ‘MotherFather’ stuff. I come across such MF (let’s pretend M.F.Hussain) every single day. Just because blowing is free ( i mean blowing horn) doesn’t mean you can use it like public toilet. Reason I’ve stopped roaming around this city on bike is because of these M.F.Nuisances makers. I’ve tried to categorized types of these so called, M.Fs, let me know if I’m missing any or if you’re one of them!!!

1. Style maru
2. Impatient
3. Thurki
4. Car Owners
5. One Leg in kabar!!

Let’s know them one by one!!!

Style maru

If you’re one of this, dude, what’s wrong with you??? The more you play.. sorrry… the more you blow horn, the worse is your impression on girls. Apart from that think about those bitchy words ppl use on your MotherFather, sister & brother… (wait a minute.. there’s no slang word used for brothers.) Strange!!! Anyways, for the sack of your family’s reputation & their sexual organs, stop blowing Unnecessary horn.

Impatient

Stuck in a traffic these category of people acts like their mothers are about to deliver a baby & they want to witness the last minute labor pain. I mean, come on, .. if you know you're stuck in traffic, nobody is freaking able to move & although if you’re blowing horn “to aap ek number ke nihayati ‘chutyam salfate’ ho”!!! It’s not going to stop the traffic problem, so deal with it or get ready to hear ‘MotherFather’ stuff!!!

Thurky

These ppl must ask their sisters about ‘how much they are impressed when some M.F.Hussain passed by them blowing horn'??’  No seriously ask them. Specially some thurky buddhas, if your mom is dead try asking your daughter. If they are not impressed then..,

STOP BLOWING HORN!! It SUCKS!!!

Car Owners

If you're not falling in any of above categories there are chances you will fall in this category. I can define type of ppl owning card but that would be in some other blog. For some of these ppl, owning even maruti-800 makes them feel like they now own the world & rest of the world become un-educated ‘rengte kide’ who don’t know how to move on the road!!
Other type is ‘baap na paise lila leher’, who thinks their so called, ‘baap’ has just bought all roads & with that they gained rights to blow horn every 2 minutes. You must observer facial expression of these ppl, it’s like someone has put a horn in their asses & blowing so hard that ultimately they pop out their frustration on others by honking.
F.U, BASTARDS & BITCHES!!!!

One Leg in kabar

Total respect for these category, if you see someone driving a shaky bike/car [like some1 has put it on vibrator… vibrator mode.. i mean :D ], blowing horn every 10 seconds (even on empty road) & going at the speed of 10-15 kmph, you’ve find one of this category. They are nothing but some scared ppl who would live just 2-3 years more!!
I can’t even use MotherFather stuff on these ppl, since they could all be dead by this time & I don’t want to wake them up!! Just a little offense but I’ll like to leave these category of ppl. [But at least they should learn from my father.. he hardly even have horn on his bike… kick ass!!! ]

That’s it; my daily quota of Mother & Father stuff is about to get over so I'll like to finish this blog here. Bottom line is

Next time you’re blowing horn unnecessarily,

Remember someone is messing up,

with your MOTHER/SISTER in his/her mind!!”

So Stop blowing horn & start blowing … well… never mind!!!

CHANGE…e..ee…ehhh.. oohh..yeh..

At the end of the blog you might think I was drunk while writing this, so let me clarify first “Daddy doesn’t drink”. I think it’s sperm of surat’s rain & holiday feeling which has given birth to this krakalaka idea.. aumm.. bole to sanki idea. I may sound little cranky or loose screw if you don’t like the idea but for me it’s a perfect “mission IAmPossible-7”. Believe it or not but its next level of awesomeness to me. Alright without much overhype, ABee proudly presents his next innovation, “CHANGE”.


I just love ‘CHANGE’.. Bhakti is the best person to ask if you doubt that. From gym, cricket, table tennis, dancing, squash, lawn tennis, swimming, jogging, yoga to homemade programs. From regular journey roads, hair-cut, beard, tattoo craze, my looks, girl-friends to wife ;), I’ve always starved for ‘CHANGE’. (Just got a slap from behind) Oops…. Did I say wife?? Remove her from the list. She’s like my blood group, can’t change it even if I want to. The idea is to break the freaking regular CONSTANT life’s flow. I hate the same freaking boring routine & so does everybody (I guess so). Wake-up, poop, fun part (swim, tennis etc [2^nd best part of the day]), office, lunch, office, tea, office, dinner & freaking office & at the end 1^st bestest part of the day. (damn, you dirty minded people, by 1^st bestest part I mean Love.. pure, true, pleasant love.)
‘Office’, did you notice that boring word repeated 4 times. Lately working on Android made me another android; ya, bloody robot. The formal is green buddy while the later android is red.. bloody red robot. Last few days made me realize how cruel the world is. The dominator will keep dominating & the weaker will keep getting slaughtered. I’m tired of looking at it. People around me has surrendered & accepted the way things are. Even I’m one of them & that’s why this freaky “CHANGE” virus has woken-up. How wonderful & awesome it would be to quit job & freak-out or do something that I always wanted to do for a while & re-join job once this “CHANGE” asks for another ‘change’. It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to ‘change’ and others are not.
Another Point is to get out of regular flow life, do something new, and do something you always wanted to do, meet new people, more & more people. There’s this phrase called “out of box thinking”, I would say why to sit inside box & think of outside, rather fly out of the box & than start thinking. Wake your left brain to the new limits. Try yourself!!! Only you can change your life, no-one else can do it for you.
Few CHANGES that I want to have in life are,

• Change profession.
  • Join some college (with lots of chicks) as professor.
  • Do some study.
  • Join Army…
  • Finish my secret project ;)
• Change organization. 
• Swim, swim, play, play… & die hard!!!
• Just roam around the state/country.
• Get so many tattoos.
• Do nothing or get freaky like this baby!! –>
• Change wife. (satak…another tight slap.. I’m not writing blog next time if she’s sitting behind me).

No… I’m serious, I really am!! Other than the last item I really want to give it a try. (You never know, you may hear news of my resignation and get to see my new avatar at any time.) Getting married at early age has one disadvantage, yes; you cannot try any of above things that easily. Dependency, that’s the ONLY thing that’s stopping me right now. Now looking for another source of income to handle that dependency. Any suggestion??? (Other than male prostitution & pole dance…)
Although there few consequences that I may have to face after my decision, I’m ready to face them all. After all nobody came with everything when they were born. I’m ready to start again. Ready to fall in love with life again….!!!!
Peace :)

25 લાઇફ લેસન્સ Cause Zindagi na milegi dubara..

Benny Lewis, a vegetarian from Cavan Ireland, who don’t drink & thinks of himself a “technomad” - a full-time technology-enabled globe-trotter, came up with this these 25 life lesions. Read more about him @ http://www.fluentin3months.com/about/
I found them beautiful, true & touchy so thought i should shared it with you ppl. Incase  you’ve seen movie ‘Zindagi na milegi dubara’, you’ll love reading them. If haven’t seen it yet, damn you!!!!
(૧) બધા જ બધે સરખી જ ઝંખનાઓ ધરાવે છે ઃ બહારની સપાટી પરની બાબતો દૂર કરો, તો જગત આખાના મનુષ્ય પ્રાણીઓ અંતે તો સ્વીકૃતિ, આશા, સલામતી, પ્રેમ અને આનંદ જ ઇચ્છે છે.
(૨) આજનું સુખ ક્યારેય આવતીકાલ ઉપર ઠેલવું નહિ ઃ બહુ મોટા લક્ષ્યાંક પૂરા થયા પછી જ રાજી થવાનું મુલત્વી રાખવામાં માલ નથી. વર્તમાનને માણો આવતીકાલની કોઈ ગેરન્ટી નથી. માટે સ્ટેશન સુધી દોડતા ન રહો, યાત્રામાં ટ્રેનની બારી બહાર પસાર થતા દ્રશ્યો નિહાળી મઝા કરો.
(૩) એક દિવસે બધા સારા વાના થઈ જશે એવા ભ્રમમાં ન રહેવું ઃ આશા અને ભ્રમ વચ્ચે પાતળી ભેદરેખા છે. બી પ્રેક્ટિકલ આપણી કિસ્મત ચમકશે એટલે બસ બ્રહ્માંડની તાકાત આપણા સપનાઓ સાકાર બેઠાંબેઠાં કરી દેશે, એવું માની પરીકથા સાંભળી ઊંઘી જતા બાળક જેવું નિષ્ક્રિય ન બનવું, જંિદગીમાં કશુંક અઘટિત પણ બને.
(૪) ભાગ્ય જેવું કશું નથી, આ સારા સમાચાર છે ઃ બેનભાઈ તો એવું જ માને છે કે પ્રારબ્ધવાદી માણસ કદી પુરુષાર્થ કરીને પરાક્રમી બનતો નથી ધારો કે, આપણે લકમાં માનીએ છીએ તો પણ શું ? ચોવીસે કલાક લકના ભરોસે બેસી રહો તો ય વગર આગાહીએ એક વાત નિશ્ચિત છે. મરી જવાની ! માટે જે સ્થિતિમાં છે ત્યાંથી કશીક મહેનત કરો, તો લક એનું કામ કરશે - આપણે આપણું કરવાનું
(૫) જગતમાં દરેક લોકોને પોતપોતાની માન્યતા કે દ્રષ્ટિબંિદુ હોય છે, જેને પણ સમજતા રહી એમાંથી શીખવું ઃ આપણને ગમે એ જ ફેશન કે ફિલ્મ બીજાને નાપસંદ હોય. આપણે જ્યોતિષમાં માનીએ, અન્ય કોઈ રેશનલ હોય, આપણે ગાયનું દૂધ પીએ કોઈ બીફ પણ ખાય. આપણે છાશ પીએ, કોઈ વાઇન. આપણને વાડી ગમે કોઈને મોલ. જુદા હોવાથી કંઈ ખરાબ હોવાનો ચુકાદો કોઈ માટે ન કહી દેવાય. સતત પોતાને સુપિરીયર માની બીજાઓનો સરમુખત્યારી ન્યાય તોળવાને બદલે બીજાઓ નુકસાનકારક પ્રવૃત્તિ ન કરતા હોય, ત્યાં સુધી એમની વાત સમજવી
(૬) ખુદ સારી જંિદગી જીવવી, એ લોકોને સંમંત કરવાનો શ્રેષ્ઠ માર્ગ છે,
(૭) બધાને ક્યારેય બધી ખબર હોતી નથી. પૂરી વાત જાણ્યા વિના કદી અહોભાવથી અંજાવું કે દ્વેષભાવથી ખીજાવું નહિ. (૮) ‘હું નથી જાણતો’ કહેવામાં કદી શરમ ન રાખવી,
(૯) માત્ર વઘુ પૈસા મળી જવાથી દરેક સમસ્યા ઉકેલાઈ નહિ જાય
(૧૦) કીંમતી ચીજોની માલિકી આપણી નથી, એ આપણી માલિક બની બેસે છે માટે એના વળગણમાં બરબાદ ન થવું, મસ્તીથી એનો ઉપયોગ કરવો
(૧૧) માનવજાત માટે ટીવી બ્લેકહોલ સમાન છે ઃ ક્યારેક, ન્યુઝ, સ્પોર્ટસ, રિલેક્સેશન માટે બરાબર. પણ જીવાતી જંિદગીના રોજના કલાકો ફક્ત ચૂપચાપ ટીવીના કચરપટ્ટી પ્રોગ્રામ્સ જોયા કરવામાં જવાનીનો વેડફાટ છે
(૧૨) ઇન્ટરનેટ આપણને મળેલી મહાનતમ શોધ છે, પણ રોજેરોજ એની પાછળ પણ અસલી જંિદગીનું વઘુ ખૂબસૂરત સૌંદર્ય માણવાનું ભૂલીને ચોંટી ન રહેવું.
(૧૩) બહાર નીકળો, લોકોને મળો
(૧૪) માત્ર અંગ્રેજી (અહીં વાંચો ગુજરાતી) જ જાણવાનો મોહ ન રાખો ઃ દુનિયા ઘણી ભાષા બોલે છે ! કોઈ પણ ભાષા આવડે એવી બોલો તો શીખાતી જશે !
(૧૫) ‘મોડર્ન ફોરેન કલ્ચર’ કોઈ ધારી લીધેલો સ્ટીરિયોટાઇપ નથી ઃ બધી ફ્રેન્ચ છોકરીઓ રોમેન્ટિક હોય, બધા બ્રાઝિલિયન સાંભા ડાન્સ જ કરે, બધા જર્મનો ફૂટબોલ રમે - આવું માર્કેટંિગના ટુરિસ્ટ બ્રોશર જેવો પ્રચાર સત્ય ન માનવો. બધે બધા જ પ્રકારનું વૈવિઘ્ય હોય છે, એને માન આપવું,
(૧૬) ઉતાવળ ન કરવી, ફુરસદ માણવી ઃ ફરવા જાવ ત્યારે બઘું જ ધડાધડ જોઈ લેવાની ‘પૈસા વસૂલ’ ઉન્માદ ન રાખવો. ક્યારેક સરસ સ્થળને ખામોશ બની અંદર ઉતરવા દેવું, સરસ સ્વાદને નિરાંતથી ચાવવો ટેઇક ઇટ ઇઝી ડોન્ટ બી સો ફાસ્ટ
(૧૭) તમે બધા જ માણસોને રાજી રાખી ન શકો ઃ તમારી સાથે બધા જ સારી રીતે વર્તવાના નથી અને એમને ખોટેખોટો તમારી સામે વાંધો હોય તો એ એમનો પ્રોબ્લેમ છે, તમારો નહિ !
(૧૮) આંધળું અનુકરણ ઘેટાંવૃત્તિ છે ઃ સમાજના દબાણમાં જાતને ખોઈ ન નાખવાની વહેતા પ્રવાહના સામા પૂરે તરવાનું સાહસ કંઈક ઓર છે આજે જે ‘ફૂલ’ લાગે એ આવતીકાલે ‘ફ્રોઝન’ પણ હોય ! મનની મરજીથી જીવવું
(૧૯) ભૂલો કરો, થોડી વઘુ થાય તો ય વાંધો નહિ,
(૨૦) ઝાઝું વિચારવામાં કામ કરવાનું રહી જશે
(૨૧) નાચો, ગાવ- જયારે શક્ય હોય ત્યારે
(૨૨) નવા મિત્રો બનાવવા સરળ છે, જૂનાને જાળવવા પણ !
(૨૩) કશુંક જતું ન રહે, ત્યાં સુધી એની કંિમત સમજાતી નથી
(૨૪) માફી માંગી ભૂલ કબૂલ કરવામાં હંમેશા અભિમાન ગળી જઈ, નમ્રતા રાખવી,
(૨૫) બીજાઓને ઇમ્પ્રેસ કરવા માટે જ કશુંક કર્યા કરવું એ નરી મૂર્ખાઈ છે !
Special thanks to “jay vadavada” for bringing these in Anavrut!!!

INK me baby, one more time!!

I was may be 12, when I lost my virgin skin. No I didn’t meet any Michal Jackson stuff here. It was the time when I got my first tattoo. It was my aunt who forced me to get god name inked on my hand. With little scariness, little excitement & little more curious to show my courage I decided to take on. That sadakchap tattoo artist took hardly 5 minutes to name it. Mom was little shocked when she show it & later relieved by fact that it’s GOD name tattoo.

The second opportunity rang the bell at Singapore. She was angy(a Singaporean friend) , who first inspired me to get a tattoo. She showed me all her glittering, girlish tattoos. On hands, leg & near ya… really near to her private part as well. I got ready to get 1 until I heard the cost which was around 600SGD, which is equal to my total savings of that trip. If I would have got that then I might have received a free permanent tattoo on face after bhakti’s punch. ;) But still Idea wasn’t leaving my mind. Then it was in the national park where I saw an awesome CHINKI doing tattoo. I’m not sure what drag me over there, was it her tattoos or her beauty?? It drove me to her like a person taking sleep walk? 

10SGD, that it??? OMG, I took my t-shirt out ASAP. I selected design and just lay down… No …no.. no.. Not with her, of course. With 100 of thoughts running in my mind, will bhakti like this? Will this look good on me? Will this CHINKI’s hand on my back tingle? Will it hurt? Etc etc. By the time I answered these questions myself the tattoo part was done. WHAT? That smooth?? Yah… baby. Reaching home I felt like I wasted those 350ruppees over that freaking TEMPORARY tattoo. Yah it was not permanent. Damn it!! %#$% #$%#$%. CHINKI never told me either.
Anyways, so coming back to the present again the bhoot or craze of tattoo is back. I went through many designs, wasted 2 days but still not able to find that exact punch line tattoo design so far. At the end, I decided to go with two tattoos. 1 in Sanskrit (which is too hard to find) & 2^nd in Tibetan language. I need some advice here, which one should I get for Sanskrit?? Choices are below. HELP, HELP, HELP…..
P.S. All voters will get a cutting chai ;)

• I love you more = त्वामधिकमनुरजामि
• ONLY WE CAN FREE OUR MINDS = केवलं वयमेवास्माकं मनांसि मोचयितुं शक्नुमः
• Beautiful mistake = सुंदरप्रमाद
• Become your destiny = तव नियतिः भव
• Peace comes from within = शांतिरंतरतः आगच्छति
• everything will be ok in the end. If it is not ok, it is not the end.=सर्वं सुष्ठु भविष्यत्यंते। यदि नास्ति सुष्ठु, नास्त्यंतः।

More Tibetan tatto also coming soon ;) Plz plz plz vote…………

Good fences make good neighbors!!!

Those egoist foreigners may not realize the value of the creature named ‘neighbor’, but for we Indian, this word  definitely plays a big part in our daily ‘kriyas’. (Please exclude your morning loo ‘kriya’ from this list since you’ve to bring the pressure on your own). We all are always surrounded by this creature, they come in different form. Their physical characteristics can be any one these (tall, short, SEXY, fat, fatter, fattest, thin, thinner, and thinnest). Their mental characteristics can be one or more from these (fighter, shouter, wanderer, EktaFan, ignored, 1 cup sugar, mysterious and last but not least peaceful (this creature is extinct now)). Today I’m going to write (cry) about these ‘neighbor’ creatures living around me.

Creature 1:

Location:

• BEHIND (behind my home not about ‘ass’)

Characteristics:

• short
• shorter
• fighter
• shouter
• wanderer

Effects:

• They may catch you in towel in the morning,
• They may catch you in ur romantic positions.
• You may get deaf ASAP.

My Encounters:

This one is deadliest or what I would frame it as (typical low Indian) kinda creature. You can’t get weirder than this.

The old man of the house is not an ordinary old man, who loves to sit idle, chanting god names to wash all sins he made at his young age. He is like ranging insect that never sleeps. Whether it’s Monsoon or summer or cold, he always finds something to keep him going. Cycle repair, dusting, cleaning up the streets, shouting, tap repair, roof fixing anything & everything. You name it & he has it in his blood. There’s not a single thing that he can’t do (but damn! always at the wrong time). Whenever you’re in middle of pooja, your sleep, in those awkward positions ;), he starts hammering something. Little annoying but he’s good man!!!

His daughter-in-law, she’s the one who can make it to guineas book of world record. Her favourite task of the day is to keep wandering around. Meeting each and every vender (FERIYA) is her most imp job of the day. (Just like other women’s imp job is to cook). Chana garam, fruit vendor, nose/ear piercing, bedsheet, mobile farsan vendor, shakvala, hava baan churanavala & even those katchra valas. She just doesn’t leave anyone. My biggest problem with her is that ‘her frequent visit to outside’, it opens up her chances by higher level of seeing me naked roaming inside house (my current exposure to her is limited to towel only). Shouting everyone’s name is another hobby, now even if she calls anyone you’ll feel like she’s shouting. Oh god, please give her a silencer in her mouth. *silencer, ya you read me right*

The family is so ready to fight that even if you’ll stare at their house, you might end up fighting with them. Remember that cartoon show which has a weird deadly family, if you don’t remember come & visit my ‘creature 1’!!!

Creature 2:

Location:

• Front (front of my home damn it!!! not about… whatever… )

Characteristics:

• thin
• thinner
• shouter
• peacemaker.

Effects:

• Free Morning Prayer

My Encounters:

These are the creature you don’t have to worry about. They are like god’s given gifts. Again an old man (this time just seating idle, but of course shouting). He’s the only interesting creature in that family. Even though their house is 735feet away from my house, I can literally write each & everything the man speaks. The best part is his phone conversation. Scientists have proven that he don’t need phone if he wants to talk to anyone in the range of 1.36k.m. I remember going his house once for house purchase stuff (by the way mail me if there’s any house getting sold around ur area), I observed another awesome feature. He’s pretty good at speaking one sentence atleast 6-7 times. During my 42 minutes conversation, he hardly used 10 different sentence & than kept reciting his tape forever.

Regarding other ‘namuna’s from that house, his son is always with dead face like he just drank castor oil. His wife, I respect the lady. Daughter-in-law, working, working, working.

Creature 3:

Location:

• LEFT (9 o’clock)

Characteristics:

• mysterious
• EktaFan

Effects:

• Tests your height of Curiosity
• Frequent irritation

My Encounters:

I started losing my hair since last 6 months. Going back in time I realized it’s because of these kinda neighbor (creature/ species), you start to rip off your hair. (Don’t try this at home!!!) House on left was an abandoned place for quite a while & then there came that mysterious looking woman as paying guest. She was alone, no husband, no boyfriend & not even a lesbo friend (ohhhh I just wish). From the very first day she showed her weirdness. On the very first day she started shouting with someone on the phone. Full English conversation continued for almost 30 minutes until she hung up crying. May be she was seeking attention or she really was a bitch!!

She must have been a lesbo in love with ekta kapoor (half man/half something). She never missed any of the tv soap. Her morning start with tv series and night ends up same way. Volume level increases in proportion with angle the sun sets, morning louder, after louder & night loudest. She literally pissed of me & hon’ many times. Other than her hanging underwear color (which she use to put like she’s showing in jewelry), I don’t know much about that freaky mysterious creature. Thank god for taking her ASAP.

Creature 4:

Location:

• RIGHT

Characteristics:

• fat
• fatter
• peaceful

Effects:

• Research still in progress & no effect identified so far.

My Encounters:

These creatures look similar to pigeon, fat, peaceful (generally) & non-harming. Though they are nearest to my house, only problem I’ve faced so far is bhabhi’s call of ‘sunnyyyyyyyy’ & ‘abhiiiiiiiiiiii’. Here ‘y’ & ‘I’ are shouted for more milliseconds & with higher decibels. Sunny & abhi are her sons and these poor babies are little deaf. (I assume cause I’ve never seen them replying back when their mom shouts) Otherwise finding this kind of neighbor is like winning in las-vegas. All male personnel must be in some drugs or arms dealing business because you’ll never see them around or hear anything from them. Women of this house are ‘pro’ at washing clothes; in fact it’s their hobby. I always see them washing or hanging washed clothes only. Again can’t end without saying newly wedded bride’s padded bra & designer ‘XL’ underwear draws attention sometimes but then what the hell :p !!!

May god give these neighbors to everyone!!!

Though of changing this home made me write this blog. I may miss these creatures since I may have to encounter with new different pieces. What about you?

P.S. Why the beautiful girl is never living around my house????? #WTHell

A Trip to Remember…

Human mind tendency is so weird; it's so hard to get rid of your orthodox thoughts/believes. One of my feelings was derived from my dad who always used to think that going out on vacation is waste of money & time. I also  had this feeling till my last trip to 'mount abu'. So far this was my 3rd honeymoon trip ;) after Udaipur(+abu) & Hardwar. I'm not counting another trip we made to 'putpathhi' near Bangalore because it deserves to be in Spiritual trip category. But for the first time I realized that it's so much necessary to change our 'hava panni' at some regular time ;) This 'valentine day' abu visit was the most #krakalaka trip I had so far!!!

"Mount Abu on saturday" i said to that paan chewing bus booking manager.
“500Rs for sleeper” he said with his half gujarati & harf gargling language!!
“You gotta be kidding me, last time it took 300Rs only”
“Everybody is going there, especially those newly married couples, so price hikes is not a big deal.”
The fear of bus/hotel reservation surrounded me after trying 4-5 more travel agencies.

Fuck it!! It always happens with me. Either railway or bus reservation screws up at last minute. In worst case either I or chaki gets sick during or before journey. When I got ready to pay 400 to an agency they said “all sleeper seats are already booked” Damn again. Frustration started before the start of the journey itself. I started expecting two worst days coming but guess what?? It turned into 2 best days…

 

Time: 22:05p.m. 12th Feb, 2011

we reached bus stop just 5 minutes before departure. Bus was just about to leave so driver was shouting for getting late. I searched for my seats ignoring driver & his assistance’s khitpit. Before climbing up on sleeper seats I googled around to see if any chick (with her newly wedded idiot) is joining us for ‘Abu’ or not. To my disappointment they were not more than 1-2, who also can be ranked to 5/10. I was surprised to see those nice soft seats with pillow! One very good advantage of having wife (or girl-friend) is that you don’t feel cold in cold places. :D Journey was too good!!! Bus started jumping and curving (just like that movie ‘wanted’ with curve the bullet funda!). I didn’t dare to open my eyes due to my motion sickness problem. I hate it but I also survived it this time.

Time: 05:35 a.m. 13th Feb, 2011

I was happy as soon as I woke up because journey didn’t cause much trouble. Now it was time for Mission Impossible-2. Finding hotel!!! I was not that pro at finding the hotel due to my lack of experiences in this field. (Note that this didn’t mean I haven’t had any girl friend in past whom I’ve taken to hotel :D just kidding) I always leave this mission on her cause she’s really good (or I would say kanjus) at bargaining. Trying first 3 hotels we found same response “the hotel is booked”!! Great!! I had to take piss outside without waiting for other hotels to reject us. By 6:00a.m., we finally … wait … wait… I mean she finally accomplished the mission. I didn’t like the room but who care!!!

Time: 09:00a.m. 13th Feb, 2011

After completing most valuable thing of the journey, food, wait a minute.. did you think??… aahh.. come on!!! Food is what we both are living for ;) 1 awesome paratha + 1 ok ok pova bataka + 1 tea & 1 plate dahi were enough to give us little start for the journey. We hired a bike like we did in last journey, grabbed a small map & did ‘shri ganeshay’ to the journey. ‘Shiv Math’ will always be our first place to visit. “Adhar devi temple” was our second destination which squeezed out all energy we just had in morning. It was a mountain on mountain that we climbed. Away from same boring job & computer addiction, my lungs were enjoying fresh air they were breathing. You know how much I love to breathe, right???

Time: 12:00a.m. 13th Feb, 2011

Delvada’s dera’s second visit still amazed about its art and long lasting construction quality. I wish I could go back in time with honey to enjoy the real life in the past. But that ‘havmore’ ice-cream shop brought back to the present. We had lunch at some dharamshala just for the sack of change. Finally a treat of ‘bird’s nest’ took me to heaven for a while… No... No… I’m really vegetarian. That ‘bird’s nest’ was an awesome ice-cream I had.
“Traver’s tank’ was a surprise visit we had this time. Excitement of finding any animal brought me to this awesome, quite & adventurous place. We started with a crocodile lying like I do in Sunday afternoon ;) We started walking to see ‘death valley’ from there. Quite place, small tower hut, little tickling noises coming from trees & empty hollow place were brining all feelings (romantic, scary, shitty, adventures & feeling that we’re fucked up as we don’t know how to get back). Although we’re still not sure if we really found that place or not but we enjoyed the overall quest of finding the place. After walking almost 2k.m. came back without seeing any animal or board of “death valley”. Little quite time at lake was very very, veryyyyy peaceful. (Very word pe gor farmayega)

Time: 5:30 13th Feb, 2011

Visit to ‘peace park’ ended just on the time I started feeling peaceful. Another must visit place. Riding behind a girl… oops ;) { hold your thoughts you all naughty boys…} … I mean Seating behind a girl riding bike is another adventure we all must go through. I had this adventure when she took control of the bike for our return journey. Believe me I couldn’t breathe properly until we asked our hotel address to a police man!!! It ended up with 100Rs bribe. Lesson learned here, “Driver should wear the helmet rather than person seating behind”.

Time: 8:30 13th Feb, 2011

If you’ve been to Rajasthan and haven’t tried ‘daal baati’ & ‘churma’ then ‘screw you’!!! I won’t suggest place because I ended up at an ordinary place. But ‘Churma’ was so awesome I won’t forget for at least next 5 years. It was good to see “Gaurang” there on his honeymoon as well. Dinner with friends always rocks my mood!! Roaming around the place was just majestic.

 

Time: 7:30a.m. 14th Feb, 2011

“Happy valentine day, hon’ ” is how I started the morning. Generally we jog/roam around at our honeymoon place in the morning, but this time we missed it by snoozing annoying alarm. There were big plan of going here & there but I was not in mood. A nice trip for me always has plenty of idle time around, rather than running from here to there, trying to cover up all the places. This time I got what I wanted.

Time: 10:30a.m. 14th Feb, 2011

After another heavy breakfast, that crispy morning became more amazing when we went ‘naki lake’ for boat ride. I’m not that fond of such ride but ‘ala alam’s wish & so my command. Finally I saw the best girl of the trip, although couldn’t stare her more since we left for boating. That 1 hour of boating & fresh breeze for half an hour at shore was the most relaxing moment I had. It’s indescribable.
Another amazing thing happened in this session was that show we saw on tv back at the hotel. It was an interview of someone from adhayshanti group(zen group ;) It really helped me change so many thoughts of mine. I felt like burring the remote while watching that show, it was heavnly #krakalaka.

Time: 4:40p.m. 14th Feb, 2011

After amazing 2 hours of sleep in my arms, she woke up at 4:00. We went out for shopping for a while came, back & packed the bags. Soon we got ready to check out from the hotel. It’s amazing to see bus right on the time but sad thing to see that me & hon’ got seats in different place. Too bad! Still we spent an hour together before departing to our original location.

Journey was smoooooth and overall trip was smoooother!!! I wish I’ll have such journey again sometime. That’s how I ended up my BEST journey with Hon’ so far.

Dhoom, dhishum & zoooom!!

Dhum, dhum… dhooom.. Alpha down, I repeat, alpha down!! You might wonder who is ‘alpha’ or who is down! But don’t worry these are some of the words that leaves my blood chilled & thrilled.

 

First Experience is always unforgettable

I was 11, when I first put my fingers on the keyboard to shoot & jump around. I was studying at ‘gurukul’ in surat. There were 2 periods (oops, don’t take it wrong way, I’m talking about class periods) for computer subject. Thanks to our sir’s laziness we never learned anything beyond “GAME” ;) That was the first time I rocked in this field. I wish I could remember the name of the games. It was something jumping over those fires and shooting insects. Believe me I was best in that!!

Suddenly those rich bastards at ‘gurukul’ started bringing their own devices for internal pleasure. I guess ‘china market’ has pulled out many of those devices to play hand held games. Unfortunately I don’t remember name of those devices as well. (I wonder if it even had any name). I requested my dad to get one for me & looking at our financial situation, the request was rejected successfully, huh… !! I used to share my food with those ‘bastards’ to get a hand on the console.

While my trip to Ahmadabad from gurukul, I put my first step in game station. We used to sneak out from gurukul at late night (believe me It was like journey to the center of the world), to go to those game station to play ‘mario’ & ‘boxing’. 1Rs for 3 lives that was fucking costly for amateurs like me. Two guys got caught & that learning curve came to finish line. But by the time I had almost spent all my savings, 150Rs.

 

Game Hero

Coming back to home from that ‘gurukul’ jail, I was happiest!! Studying at ‘Swaminarayan vidhyalay’ @ surat  was easier than before. The only change I didn’t like was that they make us study in computer period (oh, not again). Eventually I & nitin used to sneak out during Sunday to fulfill our Game quotas. Game was same but the place & players have changed. Since I came here with lots of experience beating him was not that hard.

Then came those consoles with lots & lots games like Mario, Tank, Mario Bros, Aladdin, tomb raider etc. Unable to buy it, I used to go to neighbor’s place. The guy just got new console but didn’t know how to play so I became his savior. Spending 15-20 minutes sitting beside him I only used to get chance when he can’t go beyond his limit. It was still a hell lot of fun to me. When I heard from someone that there is game station available nearby, it became my favorite tourist spot. Spent my most of the time with other fat, smelly fellows in 10x10 cabin, education was ruined!!!!

Again I put forward my request for such console to dad & again it got rejected initially, damn!!! But then I used my secret weapon to get it. I cried!! Yah, A lot of cry, cry, cry!! & guess what, it worked. I got the console. I was feeling like Hero in my group. Champ of Mario ;) Before school, after school, before lunch & after lunch you would find me seating near our TV only.

East or West PC was the best.

Like all great histories, console history also came to an end. The new trend was highly configured computers for new FAwesome games. Mario was almost dead. The world was talking about nfs-2, call of duty & GTA vice city. Since there was no game station available for those games yet, the only place I could get to was a friend’s new computer. I remember sometimes I used to walk around 5 k.m. so that I can sit beside him and instruct him about how to shoot around & move on. It was so annoying but I was helpless.

Finally we bought a pc (although with pretty less configuration & guess what it still is running after those 11 long years). I still couldn’t install ‘GTA vice city’ on it. I was still happy with Aladdin, cricket 2000 (multiplayer with bro), Mummy returns, nfs & etc. I still remember cheating with brother while playing cricket games with multiplayer. I literally peed my pants while playing ‘mummy returns’ with turned off lights and headphone on full volume. I used play those games waking up 5/6 a.m. I also remember using blanket to cover pc & me to hide the PC light.

With time that PC craze was dying not because of interest but due to those FADU games adding up everyday & my pc couldn’t accommodate any of them. At the end PC dream also got ruined.

 

PSP Love

Do you believe in love at first site? I do. I started believing when I met the PSP first time @ surat. It was complete unintentional visit to a store which introduced me to ma’ love. So handy, portable & awesome ;) The good think this time was that I was able to buy it on my own since I started earning. It kept me busy like hell. ‘GAT-China town’, ‘Bomber man’, ‘DJ-fight’, ‘NFS Shift’, ‘Call of Duty’, ‘God of War’, ‘Medal of Honor’, ‘Ben-10’, ‘Virtual Tennis 3’ were the games I finished so far & they all were Fawesome.

I remember the day when my brother lost the PSP while visiting Rajkot. I cried a lot that night & didn’t talk with him for 1 day. Eventually it all ended up buying another psp. ;) I’m still crazy over it!!!

 

Back to PC life

What goes around comes around!! PC days are back ;) Earning on your own comes really handy when you want to buy things that you love. This time, I got this most awaited AMD machine to convert my unused room into a ‘war room.’ ‘Dhay, dhay, dhay & boom, boom or zooooom…’ would be the only sound you would hear if you pass by the room. Just started with 2 games as of now. 1) Call of duty- black hops 2) NFS-Hot pursuit. I don’t think I would survive with these 24 hours a day stuff that god has arranged. Need at least 50 hours: 15 for games, 4 for tennis, 8 for sleep and 10 for work & rest for ‘honey’ (who will kill me if I’ll play any more games)!!!

I’m still away from amazing consoles available out there like wii, ps3, xbox. Anyone who is interested in donating one of them please contact my personal email. ;)

Life is a ‘Song’!!!

What is music to you???

It’s what i would call ‘KRAKALAKA’ for me & i can’t believe what ‘music’ does to you.

I think God should fit an ipod in everyone's brain!

I love ma' India (Err... ahmm..., Sarcasm!!!)

Ya, we’re taught above sentence (without brackets) from the moment we enter our school & before Independence Day. Just like a magician's parrot we also starts accepting it & shouting it. Some of us really mean it & some are like that magician's parrot & leftover are ones who don't mind loving this country as far as it stays as their medium for making money or survival (RSS & 'balthakre' kinda ppl).
No, No... I'm not going to write about some patriotic bullshit speech here. I'm just trying to list down few KINDA ppl who have made me loose my temper many times & are culprit for making this wonderful country, a country of 'poor' & 'stupid' peoples.
You can add more if you know any more KIND of.

Spitters

I wish if 'paan' & tobacco could produce different color when bastards spit them on road or on Gov. Buildings. That way we could have saved lots of money in paining of building & would have gained beautifully painted building just for free. It's one of the reasons why some of us (including me) hate to visit Gov. Offices or Gov. Bus stand. Screw them all!!!

One rule that government should re-evaluate is the rule of helmet. I think it should be changed & ppl should be forced to wear Helmet with raincoat. Do you even know why we have rule for helmet (hint: it's not for safety), ya, it's to save your wonderful clothes & face from the spit of the person driving in front of you. I wonder if they would be feeling like they are God & doing some 'amrita chhatkav' on their followers. My fight count with such people has reached to 2. Screw them all!!!

Blower

No I’m not talking about those prostitutes who offer to blow you or any cheap college girl who blows you for free ;).
This is about those butt head people who think that blowing horn on road is their fucking fundamental right for living. These actually are people who are suffering for attention. (Only attention they get is from my 'S' who would be please to sh*t on them.) They buy cars and can't resist showing them to others, if nobody notices than they gets pissed off and starts blowing horn.
May Hippopotamus would rape them all.

Public place smokers

Another status symbol to rectify a wasted life. Few 'SOBitch' also smokes while driving bike, to make them wonderFOOL smart. They only become 'art', a shitty peace of art which even the worst museum would reject. They are biggest looser. 2nd category is those who smoke in public transports like bus & trains. I wish if i could put their cigarette in their butthole and make them feel SMOKINGGGG...

Manners

We all know un-education ruins our country but what about those educated bastards??? One latest experience was visit to pavagadh. There are few very beautiful temples & empty masons kinda places beautifully crafted. And now they are re-crafted with lame writings like, "i love you seema", "haresh loves sushma"!! Fuck your bastards!! Why don't you write it on each other's ‘ass’ets?
You'll see these writing on great sculptures, toilets, trains, behind bus seats on school/college benches. If you're not that good with DESI slang words try any of above places it'll make sure your slang dictionary gets 200% richer with new & innovative words.

Mobile Phone Users

One of the best innovations of decade may also turn out to be pain in the ass sometimes. I wish there was a procedure to buy a phone, just like we have procedure for driving license. These people first buys cheapest phone the make loudest noise & hopes over the on train. (Trains are special victim). Then they start paying play those 'ghise pite' songs, which even the original singer would deny to sing now.
Another bunch of people will should shout on phone to make all other feel you are more important person than USA President. They think the more they should and more the chances are that 'Osama bin laden' would surrender to them.
During my recent journey a man spent 5 min figuring out who’s calling him and after wasted efforts he repent that he could not talk with some stranger. And finally he made a scene out of it like he just missed a call from alien living in some other world.

Reservation fighters.

Don't take it personally if any Gujjar is reading it, but they really suck (those who are fighting for reservation & creating problem for other innocents.) This is a great feature provided by India. If you're not good worker, don't think you can do much & go on strike, stop public transport, fire few shops & that's it, you'll hit the jackpot after that.
Eventually it turns out in non-productive output from those suckers. This happens in school, college, Gov. Job and every possible place. Reservation sucks, its fighters are suckers & leftovers gets sucked!!!

Bribe

From your birth certificate to death certification every Gov. Department loves above word, 'bribe'!! For them it's an open bride & screwing is their primary reason for getting job. I won't write much about them because my hatred words would go far beyond your imagination. But face it, from powar & raja to kalmadi each SOBitch is sitting there eating our hardly earned money & buggers like manmohan is helpless watching it!!! May the hell reserve their worst tactics for these MF*ckers.
Ahhhhhhh!! Now I’m relieved! I was holding this burden of facing all above kinda people. The only person i was sharing it with was my beloved chaki but it feels more relieved after writing/bursting it down. I still wish i could beat all of them which would lead me to my imagined ZEN life.
I love ma' India...
..
.. Huh!!!

Kabab me ‘Haddi’

This is the story about me, my girl friend of mca & haddi. Back into 2003-2004 & around 15^th December, this  memorable event happened. ‘Kal ho na ho’ was a ‘sooper’ hit at that time. I saw it with classmates. I was not that big fan of ‘rukh rukh khan but I enjoyed ‘saif’ & ‘preity’ (ma fav babe ;) Initially there was no intention to see it until below happened.

 

During our lab I was chatting with frnds about ‘KHNH’. She was sitting in front seat & suddenly she jumped into our conversation. She regretted that she hasn’t watched the movie yet. My intention for discussion was right on target ;) Without wasting time I did dance on the chance [Wow that sounds like ‘shayri’, read it again].

I told her “don’t worry”, we’re going again in case you want to join us”.

She replied with a big smile, big enough to count her 32 teeth.

“Oh Really!! Who all are going for movie?”

Now here was the only chance to grab the knocking opportunity. Usually I always screw up with some dumbass reply, but this time something amazing happened.

“We are going.. , means you & me ;)”, I said.

Bang, It was bang on the target. Is it called flirting with girls??? Seriously she thought I’m flirting with her. Knowing my history, she could have definitely replied “No” a big “NO”. But because of my last life’s good deeds, she rather replied, “Ok!!!!” It was not just Ok, I was freaking opening gate to our relationship. My mind was fully occupied with all different thoughts. I don’t know what happened afterward for the rest of the day in college.

There was a chilling excitement in my gang when I told them about it. Now here comes the role of villan. ‘Haddi’ also joined the walk. Just like a dog can sniff the killer, our villan got a hint that ‘she’ is planning to watch movie but nobody told him when he asked. (Thanks guys). Nobody wanted him to join the movie. He finally asked it to HER & she said,

“Me & ABhi are going so far.”

“Wow, yaar that’s my favourite movie. Can I join you guys” asked that idiot.

WTF!! Didn’t his mom teach him any manners? At first I thought he’s kidding with us & just saying it to tease me & her. But he wasn’t….. he freaking wasn’t kidding.

I started getting ready with trying each & every cloth. This is the time when ur good frnds turns into bastards. Gang started cheering up ‘haddi’ that he’s finally going for movie with our class’ item. That freaking ‘haddi’ also got excited that he’s getting this golden opportunity. When I was finally about to leave from the room, the fukr also came out wearing a shirt just ironed & with baba sadak chaap perfume smell. My mood went off. On the way to ‘vaniya vaad’ that dumbass asked me

“Why are you looking upset??”

“Nothing” I said.

We had this small battle about why the F he is coming & finally ended conversation when he said!!

“But she really wanted me to come. If I won’t come she’ll be disappointed”

“Yah Yah yah, Fuck you!!!”, I murmed.

We were waiting for her at vaniya vaad. “Haddi”, now asked me if he should leave or what? I was about to say “yes” and was about to kick his ass but then I saw her coming. I couldn’t take my eyes off until she reached close to us. She smirked as she saw ‘haddi’ with me. Without saying a word I called for an auto.

I can’t believe it. That bastard was now more & more irritating me. I paid for auto and than for movie ticket as well. Bloody hell!! Now comes the best & exciting part, which eventually changed my mood. We took seat in balcony (completely empty). She was seating in center as depicted below.

Me

She

Haddi

I was not much interested in movie as I’ve already seen it (except preity zinta). Suddenly she acted like she’s not comfortable in hear seat. She asked me if view is clear from my side or what? Yes it was. So she stood up & changed her seat. And you won’t believe it she moved from my left side to right side, leaving ‘haddi’ all alone.

She

Me

Haddi

And that was the best part of the movie. You won’t believe how much happy I was. “Victory!!!” I had shouted in my mind, and the movie ended.

I wanted to ask her for dinner that night but after what happened earlier I was happy she denied!!

P.S.

Me: Abhishek Gondalia

She: Bhakti Gondalia

Haddi: Mitesh Dodia