Tuesday, November 30, 2010

When Nature Calls,,,

I wish,,,, I Could do that ;)

Aaah…, is what comes out as soon as remember this recent incident. If god really is some living diva than I guess he would be damn funny & that’s why he just played a trick few hours ago. Here’s the real bite.  Share your experience if you’ve came through the same situation.

I was supposed to attend this so called marriage of my cousin-brother tomorrow. Chaki (humry chikni) is preparing for her exam so I was alone to this boring journey. I did the packing at the last moment (1 pair of cloth, toothbrush, PSP, a book & a water bottle). Something was still missing… , but that ticking clock was teasing me, so finally I left the home.

I almost gave it up that I’ll be able to reach home, when I looked at the line on ticket counter. It felt like I was living in one of    starving country where you’ve to queue up to get your daily bread of one time. Thank god I didn’t give up at that time (I think god turned the coin in my side since he wanted to see me in that awkward situation later on, such funny fellow he is). Grabbed my ticket & caught a seat on upper stand of train.  Let me tell you something about this upper stand (can’t call it upper compartment), there are few advantage of sitting in upper seat.

Ø      No body will ask to shrink your ass to get a new seat.
Ø      Less noisy.
Ø      You don’t have to worry about anything that may fall from person sitting on top of you, if you’re sitting in down seats.

My plan was to fully indulge myself in the book & few pamphlets that I was carrying. The plan was destroyed when suddenly an irritating and idiotic family started their shouting session. Oh these Indians… Oops.. I mean we Indians.  I got no choice but to shove my psp ear-plugs & start reading book from Sudha Murti (chaku’s fav).

I gave up reading after realizing that I’ve already read this book in gujarati and my interest evaporated just like my bank balance. I missed Barney’s PlayBook than. Anyways so I finally took out the water bottle and gulped ¾ part in just one shot. Played few games on PSP, read some other pamphlets and finally after getting bored with above two, I switched back to “Lady Ga ga”, who started banging my ears, head & the whole body.

Just when we were about to pass “kim” station I finished the left over part from the bottle. Now, there comes the moment. I felt a slight push of the new water at the bottom of my body. Now I realized the thing that I missed to PERFORM before leaving for “surat”. How can I forget to visit such a wonderful stress buster place? Just like some ppl love to visit temple every morning we prefer visiting toilet (rather I would call it washroom) before leaving home. But I forgot…., you’ll say what’s big deal… but no it is a big deal when you are drinking water like you’ve never seen water in your entire life.

Since the gentle push for my ‘pee pee’ was not that emergency alarm, I decided to deal with it as of now. (Now that’s one disadvantage of seating in upper section in train, you just let it go… ) I switched songs from ‘ga ga’ to ‘one republic’ to ‘timbaland’ to etc etc. in order to forget my little pain building inside my stomach. As soon as Tapi bridge arrived I decided to get down to get shoes. After landing my incredible legs on one of my victim’s face and getting pushed from all four (eight) direction, I finally got in my shoes. Suddenly the trained slowed down (that’s one of the most incredible characteristic of Indian train, just when it’s about to reach station it either slows down or turns down completely). As I waited few more minutes standing there listening ‘ga ga’ again, another strong push of water reached my downstairs. I looked on both side and realized that a few feet of distance to washroom was looking like miles from where I was standing.. I breathed and instructed my mind to wait few more minutes.

The station arrived; I hurried myself to catch an auto. To my good (actually worse) luck I found auto so easily this time. A man in his sixties with an auto in its seventies has been assigned the mission to drop me to home ASAP… Again god played his card and suddenly gave our auto 3 needed passengers. Journey to my home started. My ears were still blocked from the outside noise and my mind wandering across the street watching fellows (and searching sweet hearts).

The good thing about the surat’s road is that they are smooth like madhuri’s chick, but a sudden jump in an auto shook my entire body and gave another push to my inner pouch holding plenty of water. My body told me “We’ve got an emergency situation here…” & I acknowledged it with my “I, I, Captain!!!” look. When I looked outside to realize where I am, got a sudden shock. We’ve not crossed even 30% from station. What to do? Ask driver to drive fast as I got pee pee? Nahh… Just told myself to hold on a bit more. Pushed my ear plugs back & journey continued.

After another 15 minutes I saw 2 cyclist crossing our auto, I wanted to laugh but couldn’t with the pain I was in. Then a saw a car, a truck, few autos, few bikes, a cycle & a man walking who crossed ahead of us. How the fuck his auto is still alive?? Our speed would have been around few feet per hour. May be I could have taken a walk and would have reached home by now. Generally it takes around 20 minutes to reach home but even after these 30 minutes I was still half way to home. I decided to change the auto on next stop, but that would end up in a fight with this old fellow.

Uncle thodi fast chalavo ne!!!” I said when there was no one seating with me. “Are fast j to chalavu chhu”, bloody fellow replied. Do you call it fastttttt?? First few drops of my pee were betting with others whether they would get freedom inside my pants or inside washroom. I bet on pants. L Another scary look to old fellow & “uncle, emergency chhe!!” words gave him hint that it really is an emergency situation. He changed to auto gear, may be from neutral to 1st & suddenly some noise started coming from it. I wasn’t sure whether I should be happy or sad about it. Finally it stopped, leaving me in the middle of the road. The bastard told me “etle j dhime chalavto hato, utri jao have!!!

Hell yessssssss!!!

I got down without arguing, gave him a note of 10Rs, he started counting something inside his mind. “Ketla thaya??” I shouted and few drops got a ray of hope that their freedom is nearby if I shout again. I decided to move on and asked him to keep change but then he finally returned 2 Rs after his million dollar calculation. I started to look for another auto, a babe riding bike smiled when she saw my legs crossed and hands looking for lift. I wasn’t in mood so concentrated on autos. 5 minutes passed (like 5 hours), and when I finally decided to release the flow, I looked around for a nice place. By nice I mean the place with some darkness, few dustbins & few pan’s spit and no one around.

I took a walk with my legs crossed trying to build a narmada damn which was about to overflow. I found a so called ‘nice’ place where I used to go to tuition in older days. I waited few seconds to see if there’s any public movement or not. I told my mind and those drops that alright you won the bet & I lost it. Hurray… (slowly…) I won’t have to pee in my pants. I reached there dropped the zip, took out the monster and finally… “aaahhh”… “ohhh…”,…. “hmm….”, started coming from my mouth[No!!! That wasn’t the sound of what you are thinking…Damn it!!!]. I closed my eyes to make this event more enjoyable. The even started around 8:45:235 IST to 8:47:669 IST, but they were the most amazing and most releasing moment of ma life.
From now onwards that corner of my old tuition class has become a historical place for me. I would show it to my honey, my children and grand children in future.

Why don’t you pple visit Surat sometime, I’ll show it to you as well. ;)

P.S. I’m proud & happy living in India. East or west peeing in corner in emergency situation is the best. ;)