I love ma' India (Err... ahmm..., Sarcasm!!!)

Ya, we’re taught above sentence (without brackets) from the moment we enter our school & before Independence Day. Just like a magician's parrot we also starts accepting it & shouting it. Some of us really mean it & some are like that magician's parrot & leftover are ones who don't mind loving this country as far as it stays as their medium for making money or survival (RSS & 'balthakre' kinda ppl).
No, No... I'm not going to write about some patriotic bullshit speech here. I'm just trying to list down few KINDA ppl who have made me loose my temper many times & are culprit for making this wonderful country, a country of 'poor' & 'stupid' peoples.
You can add more if you know any more KIND of.

Spitters

I wish if 'paan' & tobacco could produce different color when bastards spit them on road or on Gov. Buildings. That way we could have saved lots of money in paining of building & would have gained beautifully painted building just for free. It's one of the reasons why some of us (including me) hate to visit Gov. Offices or Gov. Bus stand. Screw them all!!!

One rule that government should re-evaluate is the rule of helmet. I think it should be changed & ppl should be forced to wear Helmet with raincoat. Do you even know why we have rule for helmet (hint: it's not for safety), ya, it's to save your wonderful clothes & face from the spit of the person driving in front of you. I wonder if they would be feeling like they are God & doing some 'amrita chhatkav' on their followers. My fight count with such people has reached to 2. Screw them all!!!

Blower

No I’m not talking about those prostitutes who offer to blow you or any cheap college girl who blows you for free ;).
This is about those butt head people who think that blowing horn on road is their fucking fundamental right for living. These actually are people who are suffering for attention. (Only attention they get is from my 'S' who would be please to sh*t on them.) They buy cars and can't resist showing them to others, if nobody notices than they gets pissed off and starts blowing horn.
May Hippopotamus would rape them all.

Public place smokers

Another status symbol to rectify a wasted life. Few 'SOBitch' also smokes while driving bike, to make them wonderFOOL smart. They only become 'art', a shitty peace of art which even the worst museum would reject. They are biggest looser. 2nd category is those who smoke in public transports like bus & trains. I wish if i could put their cigarette in their butthole and make them feel SMOKINGGGG...

Manners

We all know un-education ruins our country but what about those educated bastards??? One latest experience was visit to pavagadh. There are few very beautiful temples & empty masons kinda places beautifully crafted. And now they are re-crafted with lame writings like, "i love you seema", "haresh loves sushma"!! Fuck your bastards!! Why don't you write it on each other's ‘ass’ets?
You'll see these writing on great sculptures, toilets, trains, behind bus seats on school/college benches. If you're not that good with DESI slang words try any of above places it'll make sure your slang dictionary gets 200% richer with new & innovative words.

Mobile Phone Users

One of the best innovations of decade may also turn out to be pain in the ass sometimes. I wish there was a procedure to buy a phone, just like we have procedure for driving license. These people first buys cheapest phone the make loudest noise & hopes over the on train. (Trains are special victim). Then they start paying play those 'ghise pite' songs, which even the original singer would deny to sing now.
Another bunch of people will should shout on phone to make all other feel you are more important person than USA President. They think the more they should and more the chances are that 'Osama bin laden' would surrender to them.
During my recent journey a man spent 5 min figuring out who’s calling him and after wasted efforts he repent that he could not talk with some stranger. And finally he made a scene out of it like he just missed a call from alien living in some other world.

Reservation fighters.

Don't take it personally if any Gujjar is reading it, but they really suck (those who are fighting for reservation & creating problem for other innocents.) This is a great feature provided by India. If you're not good worker, don't think you can do much & go on strike, stop public transport, fire few shops & that's it, you'll hit the jackpot after that.
Eventually it turns out in non-productive output from those suckers. This happens in school, college, Gov. Job and every possible place. Reservation sucks, its fighters are suckers & leftovers gets sucked!!!

Bribe

From your birth certificate to death certification every Gov. Department loves above word, 'bribe'!! For them it's an open bride & screwing is their primary reason for getting job. I won't write much about them because my hatred words would go far beyond your imagination. But face it, from powar & raja to kalmadi each SOBitch is sitting there eating our hardly earned money & buggers like manmohan is helpless watching it!!! May the hell reserve their worst tactics for these MF*ckers.
Ahhhhhhh!! Now I’m relieved! I was holding this burden of facing all above kinda people. The only person i was sharing it with was my beloved chaki but it feels more relieved after writing/bursting it down. I still wish i could beat all of them which would lead me to my imagined ZEN life.
I love ma' India...
..
.. Huh!!!

Kabab me ‘Haddi’

This is the story about me, my girl friend of mca & haddi. Back into 2003-2004 & around 15^th December, this  memorable event happened. ‘Kal ho na ho’ was a ‘sooper’ hit at that time. I saw it with classmates. I was not that big fan of ‘rukh rukh khan but I enjoyed ‘saif’ & ‘preity’ (ma fav babe ;) Initially there was no intention to see it until below happened.

 

During our lab I was chatting with frnds about ‘KHNH’. She was sitting in front seat & suddenly she jumped into our conversation. She regretted that she hasn’t watched the movie yet. My intention for discussion was right on target ;) Without wasting time I did dance on the chance [Wow that sounds like ‘shayri’, read it again].

I told her “don’t worry”, we’re going again in case you want to join us”.

She replied with a big smile, big enough to count her 32 teeth.

“Oh Really!! Who all are going for movie?”

Now here was the only chance to grab the knocking opportunity. Usually I always screw up with some dumbass reply, but this time something amazing happened.

“We are going.. , means you & me ;)”, I said.

Bang, It was bang on the target. Is it called flirting with girls??? Seriously she thought I’m flirting with her. Knowing my history, she could have definitely replied “No” a big “NO”. But because of my last life’s good deeds, she rather replied, “Ok!!!!” It was not just Ok, I was freaking opening gate to our relationship. My mind was fully occupied with all different thoughts. I don’t know what happened afterward for the rest of the day in college.

There was a chilling excitement in my gang when I told them about it. Now here comes the role of villan. ‘Haddi’ also joined the walk. Just like a dog can sniff the killer, our villan got a hint that ‘she’ is planning to watch movie but nobody told him when he asked. (Thanks guys). Nobody wanted him to join the movie. He finally asked it to HER & she said,

“Me & ABhi are going so far.”

“Wow, yaar that’s my favourite movie. Can I join you guys” asked that idiot.

WTF!! Didn’t his mom teach him any manners? At first I thought he’s kidding with us & just saying it to tease me & her. But he wasn’t….. he freaking wasn’t kidding.

I started getting ready with trying each & every cloth. This is the time when ur good frnds turns into bastards. Gang started cheering up ‘haddi’ that he’s finally going for movie with our class’ item. That freaking ‘haddi’ also got excited that he’s getting this golden opportunity. When I was finally about to leave from the room, the fukr also came out wearing a shirt just ironed & with baba sadak chaap perfume smell. My mood went off. On the way to ‘vaniya vaad’ that dumbass asked me

“Why are you looking upset??”

“Nothing” I said.

We had this small battle about why the F he is coming & finally ended conversation when he said!!

“But she really wanted me to come. If I won’t come she’ll be disappointed”

“Yah Yah yah, Fuck you!!!”, I murmed.

We were waiting for her at vaniya vaad. “Haddi”, now asked me if he should leave or what? I was about to say “yes” and was about to kick his ass but then I saw her coming. I couldn’t take my eyes off until she reached close to us. She smirked as she saw ‘haddi’ with me. Without saying a word I called for an auto.

I can’t believe it. That bastard was now more & more irritating me. I paid for auto and than for movie ticket as well. Bloody hell!! Now comes the best & exciting part, which eventually changed my mood. We took seat in balcony (completely empty). She was seating in center as depicted below.

Me

She

Haddi

I was not much interested in movie as I’ve already seen it (except preity zinta). Suddenly she acted like she’s not comfortable in hear seat. She asked me if view is clear from my side or what? Yes it was. So she stood up & changed her seat. And you won’t believe it she moved from my left side to right side, leaving ‘haddi’ all alone.

She

Me

Haddi

And that was the best part of the movie. You won’t believe how much happy I was. “Victory!!!” I had shouted in my mind, and the movie ended.

I wanted to ask her for dinner that night but after what happened earlier I was happy she denied!!

P.S.

Me: Abhishek Gondalia

She: Bhakti Gondalia

Haddi: Mitesh Dodia

When Nature Calls,,,

I wish,,,, I Could do that ;)

Aaah…, is what comes out as soon as remember this recent incident. If god really is some living diva than I guess he would be damn funny & that’s why he just played a trick few hours ago. Here’s the real bite.  Share your experience if you’ve came through the same situation.

I was supposed to attend this so called marriage of my cousin-brother tomorrow. Chaki (humry chikni) is preparing for her exam so I was alone to this boring journey. I did the packing at the last moment (1 pair of cloth, toothbrush, PSP, a book & a water bottle). Something was still missing… , but that ticking clock was teasing me, so finally I left the home.

I almost gave it up that I’ll be able to reach home, when I looked at the line on ticket counter. It felt like I was living in one of    starving country where you’ve to queue up to get your daily bread of one time. Thank god I didn’t give up at that time (I think god turned the coin in my side since he wanted to see me in that awkward situation later on, such funny fellow he is). Grabbed my ticket & caught a seat on upper stand of train.  Let me tell you something about this upper stand (can’t call it upper compartment), there are few advantage of sitting in upper seat.

Ø      No body will ask to shrink your ass to get a new seat.

Ø      Less noisy.

Ø      You don’t have to worry about anything that may fall from person sitting on top of you, if you’re sitting in down seats.

My plan was to fully indulge myself in the book & few pamphlets that I was carrying. The plan was destroyed when suddenly an irritating and idiotic family started their shouting session. Oh these Indians… Oops.. I mean we Indians.  I got no choice but to shove my psp ear-plugs & start reading book from Sudha Murti (chaku’s fav).

I gave up reading after realizing that I’ve already read this book in gujarati and my interest evaporated just like my bank balance. I missed Barney’s PlayBook than. Anyways so I finally took out the water bottle and gulped ¾ part in just one shot. Played few games on PSP, read some other pamphlets and finally after getting bored with above two, I switched back to “Lady Ga ga”, who started banging my ears, head & the whole body.

Just when we were about to pass “kim” station I finished the left over part from the bottle. Now, there comes the moment. I felt a slight push of the new water at the bottom of my body. Now I realized the thing that I missed to PERFORM before leaving for “surat”. How can I forget to visit such a wonderful stress buster place? Just like some ppl love to visit temple every morning we prefer visiting toilet (rather I would call it washroom) before leaving home. But I forgot…., you’ll say what’s big deal… but no it is a big deal when you are drinking water like you’ve never seen water in your entire life.

Since the gentle push for my ‘pee pee’ was not that emergency alarm, I decided to deal with it as of now. (Now that’s one disadvantage of seating in upper section in train, you just let it go… ) I switched songs from ‘ga ga’ to ‘one republic’ to ‘timbaland’ to etc etc. in order to forget my little pain building inside my stomach. As soon as Tapi bridge arrived I decided to get down to get shoes. After landing my incredible legs on one of my victim’s face and getting pushed from all four (eight) direction, I finally got in my shoes. Suddenly the trained slowed down (that’s one of the most incredible characteristic of Indian train, just when it’s about to reach station it either slows down or turns down completely). As I waited few more minutes standing there listening ‘ga ga’ again, another strong push of water reached my downstairs. I looked on both side and realized that a few feet of distance to washroom was looking like miles from where I was standing.. I breathed and instructed my mind to wait few more minutes.

The station arrived; I hurried myself to catch an auto. To my good (actually worse) luck I found auto so easily this time. A man in his sixties with an auto in its seventies has been assigned the mission to drop me to home ASAP… Again god played his card and suddenly gave our auto 3 needed passengers. Journey to my home started. My ears were still blocked from the outside noise and my mind wandering across the street watching fellows (and searching sweet hearts).

The good thing about the surat’s road is that they are smooth like madhuri’s chick, but a sudden jump in an auto shook my entire body and gave another push to my inner pouch holding plenty of water. My body told me “We’ve got an emergency situation here…” & I acknowledged it with my “I, I, Captain!!!” look. When I looked outside to realize where I am, got a sudden shock. We’ve not crossed even 30% from station. What to do? Ask driver to drive fast as I got pee pee? Nahh… Just told myself to hold on a bit more. Pushed my ear plugs back & journey continued.

After another 15 minutes I saw 2 cyclist crossing our auto, I wanted to laugh but couldn’t with the pain I was in. Then a saw a car, a truck, few autos, few bikes, a cycle & a man walking who crossed ahead of us. How the fuck his auto is still alive?? Our speed would have been around few feet per hour. May be I could have taken a walk and would have reached home by now. Generally it takes around 20 minutes to reach home but even after these 30 minutes I was still half way to home. I decided to change the auto on next stop, but that would end up in a fight with this old fellow.

“Uncle thodi fast chalavo ne!!!” I said when there was no one seating with me. “Are fast j to chalavu chhu”, bloody fellow replied. Do you call it fastttttt?? First few drops of my pee were betting with others whether they would get freedom inside my pants or inside washroom. I bet on pants. L Another scary look to old fellow & “uncle, emergency chhe!!” words gave him hint that it really is an emergency situation. He changed to auto gear, may be from neutral to 1^st & suddenly some noise started coming from it. I wasn’t sure whether I should be happy or sad about it. Finally it stopped, leaving me in the middle of the road. The bastard told me “etle j dhime chalavto hato, utri jao have!!!”

Hell yessssssss!!!

I got down without arguing, gave him a note of 10Rs, he started counting something inside his mind. “Ketla thaya??” I shouted and few drops got a ray of hope that their freedom is nearby if I shout again. I decided to move on and asked him to keep change but then he finally returned 2 Rs after his million dollar calculation. I started to look for another auto, a babe riding bike smiled when she saw my legs crossed and hands looking for lift. I wasn’t in mood so concentrated on autos. 5 minutes passed (like 5 hours), and when I finally decided to release the flow, I looked around for a nice place. By nice I mean the place with some darkness, few dustbins & few pan’s spit and no one around.

I took a walk with my legs crossed trying to build a narmada damn which was about to overflow. I found a so called ‘nice’ place where I used to go to tuition in older days. I waited few seconds to see if there’s any public movement or not. I told my mind and those drops that alright you won the bet & I lost it. Hurray… (slowly…) I won’t have to pee in my pants. I reached there dropped the zip, took out the monster and finally… “aaahhh”… “ohhh…”,…. “hmm….”, started coming from my mouth[No!!! That wasn’t the sound of what you are thinking…Damn it!!!]. I closed my eyes to make this event more enjoyable. The even started around 8:45:235 IST to 8:47:669 IST, but they were the most amazing and most releasing moment of ma life.

From now onwards that corner of my old tuition class has become a historical place for me. I would show it to my honey, my children and grand children in future.

Why don’t you pple visit Surat sometime, I’ll show it to you as well. ;)

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P.S. I’m proud & happy living in India. East or west peeing in corner in emergency situation is the best. ;)

Long story shorten...

Before telling you the story, i would thank JIMI 101 times for this beautiful memory. I can't believe lazy lame buddy like him took efforts in writing this story. (P.S. you can imagine his laziness by fact that he would not got to pee pee even if his tank is full, while watching move. ) Anyways... this post for you JIMI. I wish, i knew what going our there about your current love story so i could give you something similar. ;)

 

 

 

TweetDeck for Android

TweetDeck is a popular Twitter & Facebook Client for Windows and now stepping on Android platform. TweetDeck for Android v0.9 beta was published on official blog and then was immediately removed and in the mean time it was leaked all over the web. I got lucky to have the application (i also have it’s apk file… ;) 

Apart from Twitter, it also supports Facebook, Google Buzz and FourSquare (i don’t know what this is). The interface is just like the Adobe AIR application for Windows with same color combination. In twitter, it has a feature to add Geotag, Tweet Photo, etc. Moreover, you can add columns for Friends, your own timeline and whatever you like which is same as the desktop application.
Here are some screenshots taken from Motorola Droid ;)

1. Application Start-up.      
2.Home Feeds (Both T & F) 
3. Posting Update.        
4. Tweet summay.
 
       

So far the application looks promising, much more to explore, much more to ROCK ;)……
Do try the APP.. You can download the .apk file from here.

ABTweetsTweetDeck-0.9.8.apk

Choose your Twitter Facebook Profile Picture

Many  ppl don’t like uploading their actual images on facebook or twitter account picture. How about having a funny one rather. Choose which character suits you and just grab one… :)

I’ve already chosen my favorite JIM CARRY. (although i love uploading my own pics as well, I’m not stupid shy person ;)

Enjoy profiling............. ;)